Only children only miss out if they’re made to feel like they have been denied something more. I absolutely adore being an only child, and my parents made it fun and safe and exactly as you describe in your piece.
I really do feel that it is an honor to be an only child and to have a singular and tender relationship with my parents. Regardless of what happens in life with your daughter, know that it is this bond that will continue.
It is so wildly validating, comforting, normalizing when someone is brave enough to write about their complex, nuanced feelings within a unique experience, and you feel as if they have been living in your mind and heart for the past three years. Just wanted to say thank you, and you are certainly not alone in the vibes you seek! (Also really appreciated the comments from adult only children that loved their experience)
Thank you for this! I gave birth to my daughter two months ago and already am on the receiving end of comments about “the next kid.” 😳 I was committed to (and enjoyed) being childfree for years, and agreed to have one with my husband after a lot of soul searching and therapy. Then I had an extremely hard and complicated pregnancy which further solidified my feelings. It seems like some parents of multiples feel that the one and done choice is a judgement on them? I want to focus on being a good mom to my one baby, and it’s a very personal decision based on my understanding of my own limitations-not anyone else’s. I want to experience joy in my relationship with my daughter more than chaos, and I don’t think I can do that with multiples.
I gave birth to our first baby a few months ago as well and it is WILD that people actually do start asking if we’re going to try for another. We literally just had our first baby, isn’t she enough? Ugh.
YMMV but I felt absolutely zero guilt in telling people who asked about a next child ‘I can’t have any more children and had a very hard time having this one. I prefer not to discuss it, thank you.’ Delivered in a matter of fact tone (at work) or slightly more emotionally elsewhere as fits the situation.
The backpedaling and apologizing is/was glorious and I truly hope it causes nosy people to stop making stupid comments about other people’s bodies!!
As an only child married to an only child and also the parent of an only child (wanted more but nature wasn’t cooperative), I can assure you that it’s ok. Your daughter will be fine. She may not have siblings but she will have other, “found” family that will be just as close if not closer. Plenty of people I know are low or no contact with their siblings; it’s not a guarantee. And now that both my husband and I are dealing with aging parents, we feel lucky not to have siblings because it significantly cuts down on the drama. The decisions are ours, with no one to second guess or undermine us. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you think it will - sometimes it’s even better.
as an only child I can assure you that I am supremely grateful for my parents' undivided attention. what I lacked in siblings I reaped doubly in my relationship with my parents (and also I had friends that I could drop back off at their own homes without them hogging my bathroom or stealing my clothes)
We're a 'one and done' family too and I have to admit that I share your sense of 'hacking the system.' For me, there are no down sides: I'm blessed with family, but it feels manageable. Thanks for this beautiful piece. xx
It's so sweet to read this perspective in solidarity. I will always feel a certain longing for more or what could be, I am at peace with what I have. A beautiful, curious daughter that I can devote my attention and resources to in full. And time for myself as an individual and partner. And that is a gift.
I am in tears. This is exactly it for me! I think I've been (unknowingly) waiting for someone to put this into words for me, so I might have something to cling to and think back to; a confirmation of sorts that what we are doing is okay. The guilt we have gotten from our family that we will "regret not having another baby", or that "you don't want her to be an only child, do you??" has brought sooo much guilt and uncertainty. I'VE BEEN SO CONFUSED ABOUT MY VERY OWN DESIRES. So thank you. So very much!
I'm an only with an only, and honestly, I do feel like I'm parenting on easy mode. My 7 year old is independent, a delight to hang out with, and a super easy travel companion. I was able to take a travel heavy job, we can pick up and go, etc.
I also think it's easier to form community/add a friend or another family to our crew. My son's bestie is an only as well, and one parent in each family travels quite a bit, and we just combine forces when necessary. We swap out supplying oat milk for activities, walk home via their house after Scouts, etc. It would be a bigger ask if one of us had a smaller kid at home.
Hi Chelsea— we met briefly at Wentworth’s holiday party when you were chatting with Raven. We both had our daughters with us. Side note— a great example of the little things I feel like I can do with her.
This is so relatable! I cried a bit reading the description of Little Women. I have two sisters and always imagined having two kids when I was younger. But after becoming a mom I had to really face my capacity. What you wrote really resonated so I just wanted to say hello! 🧡
This is so relatable even having two kids. I thought I’d want three or four, but my capacity for chaos is currently maxed. Also, I commend all mothers with one child- you are the constant play mate. That to me sounds exhausting. You are indeed a saint 🙏🏻
As an only child daughter raised by a single mom who was also an only child - it’s the best! It helps foster their independence and you can gain a closer relationship with them. Of course there were times as a kid I wanted someone to play with but personally I out grew that pretty fast.
Thank you so much for this! I haven’t found much writing out there about intending to only having one child and sticking with that decision. I have always been in the one and done camp and share a lot of the same feelings you express in this piece. But now that my kid is older, those nagging thoughts I never thought I’d have are starting to hit. This part struck a chord: “There’s still a sharp pain in my chest every time someone I thought was firmly rooted in the “one and done” camp announces a pregnancy.” So many second pregnancies all around - can’t help but question my choices sometimes. So thank you again for helping me feel less alone!
Thank you for writing this. I just gave birth to our first child a few months ago at the age of 37; pondering if we are one-and-done and this is so insightful.
Only children only miss out if they’re made to feel like they have been denied something more. I absolutely adore being an only child, and my parents made it fun and safe and exactly as you describe in your piece.
I really do feel that it is an honor to be an only child and to have a singular and tender relationship with my parents. Regardless of what happens in life with your daughter, know that it is this bond that will continue.
It is so wildly validating, comforting, normalizing when someone is brave enough to write about their complex, nuanced feelings within a unique experience, and you feel as if they have been living in your mind and heart for the past three years. Just wanted to say thank you, and you are certainly not alone in the vibes you seek! (Also really appreciated the comments from adult only children that loved their experience)
Thank you for this! I gave birth to my daughter two months ago and already am on the receiving end of comments about “the next kid.” 😳 I was committed to (and enjoyed) being childfree for years, and agreed to have one with my husband after a lot of soul searching and therapy. Then I had an extremely hard and complicated pregnancy which further solidified my feelings. It seems like some parents of multiples feel that the one and done choice is a judgement on them? I want to focus on being a good mom to my one baby, and it’s a very personal decision based on my understanding of my own limitations-not anyone else’s. I want to experience joy in my relationship with my daughter more than chaos, and I don’t think I can do that with multiples.
I gave birth to our first baby a few months ago as well and it is WILD that people actually do start asking if we’re going to try for another. We literally just had our first baby, isn’t she enough? Ugh.
YMMV but I felt absolutely zero guilt in telling people who asked about a next child ‘I can’t have any more children and had a very hard time having this one. I prefer not to discuss it, thank you.’ Delivered in a matter of fact tone (at work) or slightly more emotionally elsewhere as fits the situation.
The backpedaling and apologizing is/was glorious and I truly hope it causes nosy people to stop making stupid comments about other people’s bodies!!
I love this 💜
As an only child married to an only child and also the parent of an only child (wanted more but nature wasn’t cooperative), I can assure you that it’s ok. Your daughter will be fine. She may not have siblings but she will have other, “found” family that will be just as close if not closer. Plenty of people I know are low or no contact with their siblings; it’s not a guarantee. And now that both my husband and I are dealing with aging parents, we feel lucky not to have siblings because it significantly cuts down on the drama. The decisions are ours, with no one to second guess or undermine us. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you think it will - sometimes it’s even better.
As an only child myself, and mother to an only child....*it is the best*
as an only child I can assure you that I am supremely grateful for my parents' undivided attention. what I lacked in siblings I reaped doubly in my relationship with my parents (and also I had friends that I could drop back off at their own homes without them hogging my bathroom or stealing my clothes)
We're a 'one and done' family too and I have to admit that I share your sense of 'hacking the system.' For me, there are no down sides: I'm blessed with family, but it feels manageable. Thanks for this beautiful piece. xx
It's so sweet to read this perspective in solidarity. I will always feel a certain longing for more or what could be, I am at peace with what I have. A beautiful, curious daughter that I can devote my attention and resources to in full. And time for myself as an individual and partner. And that is a gift.
I am in tears. This is exactly it for me! I think I've been (unknowingly) waiting for someone to put this into words for me, so I might have something to cling to and think back to; a confirmation of sorts that what we are doing is okay. The guilt we have gotten from our family that we will "regret not having another baby", or that "you don't want her to be an only child, do you??" has brought sooo much guilt and uncertainty. I'VE BEEN SO CONFUSED ABOUT MY VERY OWN DESIRES. So thank you. So very much!
I'm an only with an only, and honestly, I do feel like I'm parenting on easy mode. My 7 year old is independent, a delight to hang out with, and a super easy travel companion. I was able to take a travel heavy job, we can pick up and go, etc.
I also think it's easier to form community/add a friend or another family to our crew. My son's bestie is an only as well, and one parent in each family travels quite a bit, and we just combine forces when necessary. We swap out supplying oat milk for activities, walk home via their house after Scouts, etc. It would be a bigger ask if one of us had a smaller kid at home.
Hi Chelsea— we met briefly at Wentworth’s holiday party when you were chatting with Raven. We both had our daughters with us. Side note— a great example of the little things I feel like I can do with her.
This is so relatable! I cried a bit reading the description of Little Women. I have two sisters and always imagined having two kids when I was younger. But after becoming a mom I had to really face my capacity. What you wrote really resonated so I just wanted to say hello! 🧡
This is so relatable even having two kids. I thought I’d want three or four, but my capacity for chaos is currently maxed. Also, I commend all mothers with one child- you are the constant play mate. That to me sounds exhausting. You are indeed a saint 🙏🏻
love this, I'm an only child and love how connected I was to my parents growing up. Being an only child is often a great life!
As an only child daughter raised by a single mom who was also an only child - it’s the best! It helps foster their independence and you can gain a closer relationship with them. Of course there were times as a kid I wanted someone to play with but personally I out grew that pretty fast.
Thank you so much for this! I haven’t found much writing out there about intending to only having one child and sticking with that decision. I have always been in the one and done camp and share a lot of the same feelings you express in this piece. But now that my kid is older, those nagging thoughts I never thought I’d have are starting to hit. This part struck a chord: “There’s still a sharp pain in my chest every time someone I thought was firmly rooted in the “one and done” camp announces a pregnancy.” So many second pregnancies all around - can’t help but question my choices sometimes. So thank you again for helping me feel less alone!
Thank you for writing this. I just gave birth to our first child a few months ago at the age of 37; pondering if we are one-and-done and this is so insightful.